| been a long time |
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| 12:54am 14/03/2006 |
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mood:  relaxed music: silence
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so it's been almost 2 years since I last posted and probably close to that since I last logged in. My LJ days are kinda of past me to some degree. Hell I never realy got into it in the first place, just another website that I have to remember a username and password for.
I'm only posting here because I've recently been sucked back into this place here because of some artwork I did that a friend of mine posted and I wanted to acknowledge.
Weird thing is I really don't feel like I belong here. LJ'ers are so devout and passionate about this place. Much different than the world of myspace which just seems like a hangout for people who make overly complicated and impossibly difficult to read web pages that contain more pictures and useless streaming media on their home page than any internet spammer or pop-up artist could imagine. It's a hunting ground for people who just want to look at lots of pretty picture of people that they'll just cyber stalk for 20 minutes at a time before moving on acting as if they're part of the internet community just because they responded to that retarded junk email that their friend sent them that led them to that website in the first place. If you think this long winded and compounded sentence rant is a bit pointless, then you understand the opinion I have of myspace.
Anyway. Things are normal in my life. I play City of Heroes way to much. I'm studying for my MCSE and hopefully will complete it in time to get a $12,000 raise at work that was promised by my boss. That would be the single largest raise I'd have ever gotten in my life ever.....or probably ever will get unless I get an MBA or sell one of my scripts.
Ok I'm done rambling here....time for bed. |
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| On voting day ---> stay home. |
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| 10:46am 21/09/2004 |
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mood:  pissed off music: Powerman 5000 - When Worlds Collide
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Today on the train I saw a newspaper headline dealing with yet another election topic.
I started reading the article, but stopped a few sentences in because I was sick to my stomach. Why?
Because I hate politics. I don't like politicians and I don't like campaigning either.
I realize that campaigning is needed to inform people of each candidates stance and his accomplishments. But in no way do I have to like any of it. And here's why.
I'm not political because it's all a futile rat race in the end. Voting for a president doesn't help stop depression or prevent an emotionally unstable family from mentally scarring a child. It doesn't prevent senseless violence or help a person fall in love or meet new friends or deal with heartbreak.
Those are the things that are important to me and my life. Those are the things that matter most to the people we know. And no president or dictator or king can possibly ever hope to affect any of those.
Money is a crutch and excuse that people hide behind. Power, political influence and fame are for those who need constant reassurance of themselves by other people. I don't need everyone around me inflating my ego because I do what my heart tells me to....and you know that.
And lastly, no one has ever succeeded at swaying my opinion, least of all politics, by bombarding me with propaganda....negative propaganda nonetheless. You're no better than they are.
You've just effectively lumped youself into the same pile as the rest of the political lemmings who blindly (and yes, you're blind if you follow anything other than you heart) follow the political rat race as though it's going to change your life with some kind of epiphany.
It's not gonna happen. No amount of energy or effort that anyone puts into a campaign is going to change a damn bit of anything. The only way we can affect the world is to actively do it ourselves, in person, with the people we meet everyday.....not rely on someone else to do it for us, even if he is the president.
So here's my suggestion, on Nov. 2nd, skip the polls and instead, call someone you haven't talked to in a while and tell them you were thinking of them, tell your family you love them, tell a good friend how much you appreciate their friendship, say 'I'm sorry' to someone you've hurt...even if it was a long time ago. Because in the end, it's going to be your friends and your family that will come to your help when you need it most, not Uncle Sam. |
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| I hate my journal..... |
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| 01:43am 28/08/2004 |
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mood: FURIOUS!!!!! music: Chris Isaac - Wicked Game
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....and a lot of other stuff. My journal looks like shit and I don't have the time or interest to change it. Plus I don't even know what to make it look like.
I don't know sometimes why I even keep this account. I go for months without posting...so what's the point?
I hate computers. I hate learning anything. I hate working for peoples attention. I hate trying to repair damage I've caused. I hate the people around me. I hate the city I live in. I hate the fact that money is the end all be all for the goddamned universe. I hate having a hole in my heart that's been here for years and I can't find a single fucking thing to even begin to start to fill it with. I hate hating. I hate breathing. I hate a whole lotta other shit to because I just want to blow something up and destroy something and wreck the shit out of anything I can find.
I want to tear my past down into little bits and crush them up and then feed it to someone else who doesn't have these problems.
I feel so violent right now, pissed and angst filled. But the thing is that it's all true. I want to go berzerk and obliterate something.....anything....I don't care....just something to burn this emotion from inside. But what if that action only makes it worse?
I hate circular references and chicken/egg questions.
a;elwi vjthoifgg jkahgtgtp;qhrgfpprt9yq[;rg8ya; |
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| walking among the dead |
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| 01:30am 04/08/2004 |
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mood:  upset music: Chris Isaac - Wicked Game
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i don't know what else to say.
I feel like I"m walking among the dead.....dead of souls that is.
I was at my good friends bachelor party this weekend, and I was sick.....sick of what I saw. I may be a guy, but watching these guys turn into drunken shitheads and revealing the sexist pigs that they really were, is making me sick.
i wish I had never gone. They're asses. They respect no woman now nor will they ever. TO describe what I witnessed would probably generate dozens of hate responses to this message. But needless to say it's a sick experience.
Don't get married until you're ready.......EVER.
may those be the only words of advice anyone ever needs. |
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| Going back to school |
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| 10:30pm 24/05/2004 |
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mood:  depressed music: Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes
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I'm going back to school for a week guys! Yeah! This kid has class all this week! Actually it's A+ Certification for computer operating systems and hardware. It's for work and when it's done I'll make more money because a cert is like having a technical degree.
I had a party last weekend and ya know, something about it really struck me. Part of the reason is that a friend of mine got taken to the hospital for drinking too much. Then I made the very drunken mistake of making a speach that was more like a slap in the face for everyone else than it was a noble effort to keep spirits up. Nothing I do or say come out right. I remember a time when my personality was bubbly and entertaining, joyful and uplifting, people would gravitate towards me, now they hide and avoid me.
I used to never believe in giving up. But the part of me who used to carry me through everything is so worn out and damaged from my own carelessness that I corroded myself from inside by my own hand. And that's the most disappointing feeling a person can have.
Lately, people have been telling me that I'm being selfish or self-centered and they're right. But what they don't know is that I gave so much to so many people in the past that there's nothing left. What the hell am I supposed to do? I need to heal. But how can I heal when so many people who I need around me just avoid me or hide behind the smallest excuses to not keep in contact with me?
fuck them. What did I ever do to them to deserve this? why does it always have to be damned 1 way street? Why do they all have to gang up at once? Must feel real statisfying for all them to kick me when I'm in so much pain....real quality people. |
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| Why haven't I posted in SOOOOO long..... |
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| 10:40am 03/05/2004 |
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mood:  calm music: Some really old Coolio song
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These last couple months have been kinda crazy. I spent most of March looking for a place to live, then spent all of April crazed at work and preparing to move. Then I move and i don't have a home phone or any internet connection except when at work and I've been sooooooo busy that I hardly have time to take advantage of it.
And then there's my screenwriting. It's contest season again and this year I'm entering them all. The first one I did was the Nicholls Fellowship. This is a screenwriting contest that's sponsored by the organization that does the Academy Awards. The top prize is $30,000 and in order to collect the money, I have to complete another feature length script within a year. As the year goes on they send me a check for $7,500. Well that's if I win. And there are 5 winners, but there are over 7,000 people who enter anually. So I had to spend a lot of time polishing my script so that it would be ready.
Then on top of all of that I had to move a week ago. What a mess. I've decided that I've got SOOOOO much stuff, that I'm just going to start throwing stuff out because I don't want to have to deal with it if I move again in the near future. I mean it took 2 ten foot U-Haul trucks to move my stuff!!!! I never want to pack or unpack again for a VERY long time.
I've also been playing a new video game called Unreal Tournament 2004. It's really cool and has all these cool vehicle things to drive around in. And finally, I've been cleaning up one of my other screenplays called THE LONE STAR. This is going to be a lifetime project since I've been working on this script since I began writing and that was like 7 years ago.
Well now that I've written a huge novel here, I guess I should get back to work since I'm pretty behind. |
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| Moving on up.....errr....down actually |
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| 03:04pm 22/02/2004 |
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mood:  giddy music: Uncle Cracker - Follow Me
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So my current landlord has already dropped off a copy of our new lease so that he can secure a renewal as soon as possible.
Well, I've got no intentions of living in this place again. At least not with my current roommates. I've alreayd looked at places this past weekend. The first place i went to was FREAKIN' AWESOME! It's twice what my current apartment should have been. And here's the really cool part: my bed room is 18' x 18'! HOLY COW! I have the entire first floor all to myself! The guy who has that room now has a queen size bed, a futon, wardrobe, tv, surround sound system, desk, bicycle and still has enough room to have TWO of all of those things. Plus it's $40/mo. cheaper than my current place. My roommates (whose bedrooms are on the main level with the living/dining rooms and kitchen are pretty cool too. AND THEY ACTUALLY CLEAN! Unlike the slobs I live with now.
I'm getting the paperwork this week ( and if that goes well) I'll be moving in at the end of April.
I am sooooo stoked! Finally, I'll have a place to live in that I'll actually want people to come and visit see! |
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| I feel like a traitor |
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| 01:29pm 17/02/2004 |
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mood:  crazy music: for me to know and you to find out!
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.....I found a country song I actually like. |
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| self-suffocation |
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| 08:17am 02/02/2004 |
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mood:  confused music: Avril Lavigne - I'm with you
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I've been in a strange mood for the last few days.
I can't put my finger on it....maybe it's the fact that I went out 3 nights in a row or that Kelsey and I had a really heartfelt conversation or if its the 4 80's movies I stumbled across this weekend on cable.
But something is wrong with me. I've got all these ideas in my head for stories and I want to write up a storm, but then I don't. I get distracted by everything around me, espeically the internet.
What's worse is that all these ideas are making a mad dash for the door out of my head and they're all trying to get out all at once which is creating chaos when I try to form a coherant thought. All these voices and thoughts screaming from one end of my brain to the other. It's like my conscious mind is at war with my subconscious and both sides are trenched in so deep that neither is making any progress. In my own mind, I think I'm a good writer, but I can't help but feel inadequate when it comes to getting my ideas out in the way that they ramble around in my head. I know what I'm feeling, but I can't seem to get it out in words that exactly match the feeling......I can't do that. I can't write, I can't think. This has got to be what it feels like to be schitzophrenic. I'm already schitzotypal....no, really, I am. It's like having all these different people talking in your head like people in a bar or pub: you hear them, but all their voices overlap and none of them are distinguishable.
I think I'm losing my mind. I think I'm losing my touch with reality. Something aint right....... |
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| waking up |
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| 03:07am 30/01/2004 |
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mood:  energetic music: Powerman 5000 - Free
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Tonight I went out with a couple friend of mine. It was supposed to be a night of comedy.......of course my plans would lay wasted at the feet of a country music singer.
But we evacuated to a 'normal' bar ( at least by Chicago standards) and had a decent time. But it was when I was sitting there, that I decided to come home and write. I wrote for almost 3 hours straight. I wrote everything from random thoughts, to poetry, to screenplays, to hell I don't really know what.
I guess that when you are around good friends that something is fueled within you. I suggest that everyone go out and say that they care about their best friends.....you'll never know when you lose that chance. |
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| Feel the Fire |
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| 12:13am 25/01/2004 |
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mood: Excellerated music: Groove Coverage - God is a Girl (Xtended Mix)
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I know this will sound like a TOTAL co-out, but when I have a few drinks is when my creativity is in overdrive.
I'm sitting here in the dark listening to music pumping through my earphones at an earthshattering volume and what else pops into my head, but an OVERWHELMING feeling to smile!!!!!
I can't help but want to spread this feeling like a virus to everyone I know!
It's like watching snow falling at night
It's like the first time you felt those soft lips from your first kiss
it's like riding your first roller coaster
it's like watching a car wreck
It's like riding a comet as it plumets towards the Earth!
Life feels like this for me. I know most of you are like "what in the hell is he talking about?!" but that's what I feel like.
I feel like I won the lottery and saved the world all the same time.
I wish I could put into words the sensation that I feel right now, but it's like nothing you've ever felt before...and I really hope each of you get a chance to feel something like this.
TONY |
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| have you ever been starved of life? |
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| 12:13am 04/01/2004 |
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mood: aggravated music: Wendy Phillips - Stay (Airscape Mix)
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when you wake up
and the world loves you
then you wake up again
and the world hates you
feel the pressure of life
surrender to the cracks
in your personality
wake up broken
stand in front of
the life you once loved
cry before
the life you now have
wish
that
all of it
would go away
hope that
you could erase
the person
you were
you can feel the breach
of your soul
stretching across
your mind
wandering the plains
of death
only your heart
keeps you alive
alone
your mind
fights the pain
drained of original thought
starved of love
depraived of compassion
you assault yourself
in a fury of rage
determined to drive
out the demons within
unknowiningly shredding
the good within |
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| Then you wake up |
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| 09:25pm 02/01/2004 |
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mood: confused music: Low Fidelity All Stars - Battleflag
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So today officially ends the holiday season. God what a mess.
Has anyone but me thought this year felt fake, forced and artificial?
I felt like I was living out some poorly written movie. Nothing really seemed to fit together naturally. My family all seemed to be present and interacting, but not in the same loving way they used to. There was this unseen pressure bearing down on everyone I know. It was like suddenly my life entered into some kind of weird silent film, but everything was sorta frozen in place and I was the only person able to move around.
Talk about a surreal few weeks. Anyone else know what I'm talking about? |
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| Hellidays |
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| 08:23am 29/12/2003 |
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mood:  mellow music: ATB - Lose the Gravity
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yes Hellidays....
Finally Christmas is over with. I really am not a fan of the holiday because of all the family related stuff that happens. I'm not big on family or family get togethers. Things always seem rushed especially this year since I don't have a car and had to ride down to my family with my parents. After that experience, I definately need to get a car.
I've also decided that somewhere in there that i'm going to write an autobiography. Actually two of them. The first is going to deal with my college life and the second will deal with the first 3 years of living in the Chicago area. I'd like to have the first one done by the end of this next year, but I really have to be careful about it because some of the more important events in my story could cause problems with people's lives like losing thier job or breaking up marriages or ending friendships. The whole point of the story is to honor my friends who got me through college.....I'm really not wanting to destroy thier lives in the process. So I've got to find a way around it.
I hope everyone has a great New Years and have a beer for me!
TONY |
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| So I've been writing some stuff lately..... |
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| 10:05pm 04/12/2003 |
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mood:  cheerful music: Cosmic Gate - Exploration of Space (radio edit)
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The last couple weeks I've been in a bit of a writing frenzy. I've got two movie scripts that I've been revamping. Both are original works by me, but both needed some serious work. The first, THE LONE STAR, was absolutely monstrous: 310 pages!!!! Screenplays are max 120 pages. I've managed to cut this down to 199, so far.
The second is a story called GUARDIAN. It was 118 pages, but it had some plot holes and I felt that my characters lacked any defineable personality distinctions from one another. Also the plot seemed to hop and jump from place to place. So I'm smoothing those wrinkles out.
I've also been working on the full feature-length version of Captors of Fire which is currently a story here on LJ STORIES started by ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) pure_shores.
More over, I've been writing poetry and some other 'essays' that I tend to write from time to time.
What else is everyone up to? |
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| crying from happiness |
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| 10:43pm 30/11/2003 |
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mood: happy music: Sureal - You Take My Breath Away (Dj Tiesto Mix)
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have you ever had a song come on the radio that you haven't heard in a while and instantly becomes you favorite song for those 3 minutes?
something similar happened to me tonight....
I was flipping through my MP3 playlist in Winamp and it shuffled to a song that i haven't heard in a while. But it didn't change how it made me feel.
So I sat there and let the music wash over me.....let it fill me......let it move me......let it relax me.....
And when it did, I cried.
It's in these kinds of moments when I'm alone and the room is dark and theres no distractions.....just me and the music. It opens me up to let out that little kid that hides inside and for those few minutes I am truly happy. No stress, no work, no traffic, no taxes......nothing but pure sunlit joy. The kind of joy you have when you see your newborn baby for the first time......or that first nervous kiss.....or when your hand trembles as he puts the ring on your finger......it's perfection: where your mind body and soul agree on something for 3 minutes.
It's my sincerest hope that if you haven't experienced something like this, that it happens to you really soon. And for those who have experienced this, I'd like to hear your thoughts.
By the way....the song that did this to me tonight was: Sureal - You Take My Breath Away (Dj Tiesto Mix). It's the 8:36 minute version.
I hope everyone has a good night. |
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| Feeling strange....but normal for me |
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| 10:03pm 28/11/2003 |
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mood: depressed music: Brian Eno - The Water Garden
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Winter has officially arrived in Chicago. Which for me brings quite a bit of joy. I like the cold. I like the snow. I like the busy stores. Basically, I like most of the things that most people don't like about winter.
I also tend to not like the things that other people do like: holidays.
I guess I don't mind the cold outside because it seems warm compared to the chill that apparently resides somewhere inside me. A sad part of me. In some weird way I can emotionally relate to winter.
All kinds of thoughts have drifted through my brain today. They all seem so random, but yet they all make me feel the same way: sad. I wish I could describe these thoughts, but I can't. They don't really take on a shape or create a specific image, more like a mood or karma.
I just feel alone. 7 million people where I live and I feel alone. My train ride back from my parents wasn't helping. See, Chicago tends to draw A LOT of out-of-towners for the holidays. My train ride out of Indiana was packed with these people. They all came as groups or as couples. Made me feel out of place when i had a seat to myself since everyone wanted to sit who ever they came with. Not even 2 straight hours of writing could kill the mood that I could feel creeping up on me because of that.
So anyway, I go xmas shopping thinking that being around the chaos of it all will make the mood go away.....nope. Just made it worse. All I'd see is couple after couple. Even the young teenagers were in couples. It was I was being slapped in the face with my own existence.
I came home and then my internet went down so I did some more writing. Then my roommates came home which killed my creative mood. So I went for a walk.
I really like blowing snow. There's something soothing about it. And I was thinking how I would write my autobiography and I realized that it would be horrible. I can never seem to get my ideas out of my head correctly and any story I tell of myself always seems so lackluster.
man.....this whole day has been a drag.
But for the sake of anyone reading this, I really do hope you had a good Thanksgiving Day. |
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| So you're like "he doesn' t post very often! GRRRR @ him!" |
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| 12:55pm 18/11/2003 |
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mood: amused music: Ferry Corsten System F - Trance Nation 4 CD 1
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Well you'll just have to deal with it. :-P
Actually, I've had a reason why I'm so sporadic in updating my personal journal: I spend too much time updating other message boards -- literally.
I go to www.zoetrope.com and do my screenwriting stuff, i post in the LJ communities of LJSTORIES and LJMOVIES. I also post on www.cinefuse.com and on the Project Greenlight website. Plus I keep writing my poetry and my own screenplays. Did I mention that I also play Unreal Tournament 2003 on the internet?
I spend quite a bit of time on the internet. You'd be surprised how much I depend on it for other stuff, too. I pay my bills, do all my banking, order christmas gifts and damn near everything else I can.
So that's why I don't post too often.....I'm too busy doing things everywhere else on the internet.
Besides, does anybody really read anything I post here? I know of only one person really that does......if there are more of you out there let me know so I don't feel like I'm shouting into a black hole. |
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| being a writer........... |
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| 12:26am 09/11/2003 |
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mood: bouncy music: Paul Oakenfold w/ Jan Johnston - Flesh (Dj Tiesto mix)
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I haven't been a writer for very long, but I've been a storyteller apparently my whole life. I always loved seen the wonder in other peoples eyes when you tell a great story. They seem capitvated by your words and interested in what happens next. You can just see thier enthusiasm about what you're saying.
I wanted to do that, but on a mass scale. I wanted to wrap up lots of people in the story I'm telling. Not so much do i want to be the center of attention as I want them to lose themselves in the story itself, become a part of it in some way.
Does that make sense to all of you? It does to me....somehow.
It's like there's this part of me deep inside that is extremely active, but it just hasn't found a way to express itself in an really clear and concise way yet.
I know I haven't posted in a bit, but sometimes I just need time to collect my thoughts before I just toss them out there. |
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| My Trip to New York for the premier of Burning Annie |
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| 09:24pm 29/10/2003 |
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mood: mellow music: Taucher - Infinity
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Below is the log I made during my trip to New York last weekend for the east coast premier of the film Burning Annie. I designed one of the three posters for the film and mine was the only one on display infront of the theatre the afternoon of the showing. It was also the only version that the lead actor wanted to take home with him.
My log is detailed, and towards the end you could tell that I was getting tired because it has less detail, but still read it and I hope you all enjoy it.
( My NYC Trip Log )
Well that's my NYC story. I'll be emailing all these people who I met this weekend so that I can keep in touch with them for the future in case something cool happens. |
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